'Girlfriend is good friends with her ex, but he feels too close for comfort'

Dear Coleen

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and recently got engaged on a trip to Paris. Before we got together, she was in a relationship with a guy for nine years – they met at college when they were 18 and lived together for a few years.

They’ve stayed in touch since breaking up and are in contact over phone, texts and social media; they get together sometimes, too, with a group of their friends.

I’ve mentioned to her that it feels weird for me that they’re so close, but she says they were together a long time and are basically best mates. She feels cutting him off would be too hard, but that there’s nothing romantic between them and she’d never cross the line.

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Maybe I’m making too much of it, but while I believe she’s over him, I can’t help worrying that he’s not over her and that he wants more than friendship. We’re having an engagement party at a bar in a couple of weeks and he’ll be there, which again feels weird as it’s a night to celebrate our relationship. He’s around all the time, which I don’t think is fair on me or good for us.

I know she wouldn’t be marrying me if she still had feelings for her ex, but it still irritates me he’s ever present and it’s spoiling what should be a happy time. I’d love your thoughts about this.

Coleen says

I’m not sure it’s good to stay this close to an ex once you’ve moved on with someone else. You have to take your partner’s feelings into consideration and, if it’s upsetting you, then of course it’s not going to be good for your relationship.

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It’s finding the balance that you’re both happy with. When I met my second hubby Ray, I was still in touch with my ex a lot and, eventually he brought it up and I was forced to look at it from his point of view and be honest with myself about how I’d feel if he was in touch with an ex all the time. So, maybe ask your fiancée to put herself in your shoes to help her get some perspective.

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It’s totally reasonable not to want her ex in your lives this much, but it doesn’t mean she has to cut him off completely. You should be her best friend, though, and I’m sure she has other friends to count on, too.

All relationships need boundaries that both are happy with, so talk about those – and what can you can live with to give your relationship the chance to flourish? You might also find that as the wedding arrangements get going and you start making more plans for your life together, this friendship with her ex will become far less important.